I have been neglecting this blog for a while. There are a lot of reasons behind the neglect. I set this up as a journal of my journey to and through medical school. After I took my MCAT, my entire picture of my future was shaken. I knew as I was walking out of the testing center that I bombed it. Bombed. It. I didn’t want to talk about it. I just sat in my mom’s car. Speechless. Once I got my MCAT scores back, I was at the end of my rope. I took a giant step back and looked at my life and the picture that I had of what my life would look like in the future, and I threw it away. Farther than that, though, really. I tried to convince myself to stick with it. I tried so hard that it made it feel even more impossible. I know God called me to do this. Why did I feel such a lack of passion and desire for it? Why couldn’t I pass the MCAT? Why did I feel so alone in all of it? I felt so much pressure to do what God was calling me to, but I couldn’t do it. Nothing in me had the strength to push forward with it. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to think about it. I buried it deep in my heart, tucked away for whatever day it was that God would bring it to the light and heal that part of me. It was such a dark time. I felt abandoned. I felt angry. I felt scared. Insecure. Unloved. I didn’t understand. I wanted to turn and run…. and run and run and run and never stop running. The love that I received from my family, my boyfriend, and my friends during that time was unsurmounted. I am grateful daily for their patience. For their ability to hold their tongues when I wasn’t in a place to listen. I was very defensive, depressed. I was not in a place that I could take constructive criticism. They remained, patiently waiting for the day that I would reach a place that I could talk about it. I hid behind the facade that I was considering all options. Everything was a possibility. In my secret reality, nothing was a possibility.
I went to a conference for future DO students last Saturday. I prayed and prayed and prayed that God would give me an answer. Should I go to DO school? Should I go to PA school? But, in reality, I don’t think I wanted an answer. And I didn’t get an answer. I left enlightened and frustrated. I was going to take a year off and work and get my head on straight. I processed and talked to people I trusted and processed some more. Then, as I was talking to my boyfriend one night, I realized…. God gave me an answer. He absolutely did. I was so resistant to see it that I didn’t see it. It wasn’t anything major. It wasn’t a slap in the face. As my mom told me, it was like Elijah. God was not in the earthquake or the wind or the fire. He was in the soft whisper. I wouldn’t have listened if it had been an earthquake answer. I wasn’t receptive to begin with, so why would I? It wasn’t until a few days later that I heard it. Softly, in my heart of hearts. And I wouldn’t change anything about it.
I still don’t like talking about my future plans, as I still feel a large amount of insecurity in them. The beautiful reality is that I don’t feel like I have to talk about them anymore. I don’t feel like I have to look at the other people my age and crave their security and plans for their future. I don’t have to prove that I’m doing something with my life. I have a next step. I don’t have a big picture. Maybe God isn’t revealing it to me, because he knows I would be overwhelmed by it. I am already overwhelmed with the little piece He has shown me. But, I’m okay with it. And I am not worried about the lack of a big picture. Sure, I feel blindfolded. But the One telling me where to move knows exactly how to talk to me. Exactly where I am supposed to be. And I trust that.